darkness into light

One year ago Saturday, July 17, was the aniversary of Sherm's passing. The entire previous week, and even month, has been a heinsight 20/20 of how 365 days later we can find ourselves in the same place of location, within the same season and sometimes amongst the same people, but perhaps things are different or perhaps things are the same in some ways.

This past month of returning to Seattle, I knew would be marked by difficulties coming back to a place where I left while I was in such a mentally clouded and dark place. Anyone who knows me and unfortunately at that time, may have just met me, would have seen the light dimming in my eyes. I know that I was not my brilliant, shining full of life and love self during that time.

The heartache which I felt so deeply after the loss of my dear loved one was overwhelming. It was not until seperating myself from this place, and taking time to get back to my self in a space surrounded by healing mountains, the gentle peace which the Winter snow brings, my loving family surrounding me, and my every day dedication to come out of the misery and back into the joy of life, has brought me back here to Seattle.

Ready once again with passion, excitement and energy to share my light and love with all. I had to be reminded of my connection to the spirit all around me when I returned. Accepting that not all that happens is by coincidence and that some things are clear ahead of us if we pay attention to our dreams, the de-ja vus and most especially the music which shines through with a clear message.

This past month was a reminder of how life continues onward, how we are continuing in the life of existance even though we may be in a state of darkness, sadness, suffering, or depression. There is light all around our existance, and there are messangers in our life to share this light and love. Unless we are open to the light and love that is being shared, we will not come out of our darkness.

Saturday was spent walking in the sunshine, embracing the beauty of the day, the water by the lake, the cleansing feeling of not needing to do anything, or be anywhere but present.

Sunday as I walked down the hill, the sun was shining, piercing through the buildings eminating the glorious rays of light into the concrete jungle which we reside. A day, a weekend, a season in the sun ~ I am embraced by this brilliant light. Rays upon my skin as the sun lowered in to the western sky, I feel the golden heat of that ball of orange yellow in that big blue sky. My arms spread wide, I embraced the light of the sun, taking in big full breaths of the prana - lifeforce energy all around me.

Last night, the Avett Brothers sang a list of songs which I felt at the time were singing to my heart and soul (see previous set list and listen, you will understand the words which I cannot fully express). Overall, I was reminded that love is painful and blissful at the same time. It is worth all of this as long as we are learning more about ourselves along the way and being grateful for the moments shared with the other.

I wrote these words in my journal last night after the show:
When I hear songs about love, and my lost union with my loved one, of course I think back to the most recent love lost. I'm still holding on, not letting go and why? Is it because the love was so true? That it was true love but for whatever reason we are currently seperated? I beleve that we are never quite seperated once a love has been in our life. We are forever influenced by this person in our life, by the love which was shared in our life. I will forever believe this about all of my loves lost. They serve their purpose for the moment, then the moment continues on the path as it is supposed to.

As my lady cab driver drove down the ridgeline we saw in the distance the half moon shining orange in the sky and I was reminded of the connection between the sun and the moon. I came home and wrote for hours about my understanding of love, the sun and moon, and the light and love which is all around. This is what ensued:

Presently I am here, and you are there, our bodies no longer sharing the space in relative proximity, every day and every night. Neither our words nor our eyes share the encounter of proximity; I feel as though you and I are not apart. Just as I am not apart from the tree which grows outside my front porch, or the sun which shines through my windows as I lift my arms up to feel the rays of light in the morning. I am a part of all which is surrounding, near and far. You are a part of this shining light. We are all basking in the sun giving thanks and praises. Even during the months of clouds and darkness surrounding, the sun continues to shine. We are blessed by this forever light.

The night comes and the moon, in its orange glow, reflects the sun, shining brightly above. Within the night of darkness, we are guided by the light of the moon. But once again, as the night slowly returns to day, we lose sight of the light and eventually comes an even greater darkness. It is during the night in the most dark of places, when the moon is no longer in sight, that our eyes can see the simple sparkle of the shimmering lights even more brightly, more clearly than before. The stars ignite a curiosity as they twinkle gently from a far and once again, we are in gratitude for the darkness. Staring beyond, the lights of the universe weave wonder into our minds of what other worlds may be, beyond our simple state of existence. The connectedness is even stronger out here in the darkness, from you to me, and from me to you. From you to that star and that star back to me. It is no wonder why the energy is transmitted through the stars and reflected by the moon: so vibrant and full of life that they sustain this prana through which we are all intertwined.

You are the light of the shining sun by day, and I graciously reflect the light by night as an orange moon. A namaskara to the surya (sun) and the chandra (moon) I give thanks and praises. I embrace the light, I take it in and I share it in return with all surrounding me. Any darkness, and negativity, I shield from my existence, though I shower that energy with an asha of peace and love. Inhaling deeply and exhaling wide, I open my heart and my soul to all, though I know there are only few who will understand this brilliance, so I must gently share only pieces of myself at a time.

This light can also be dimmed by other forces and sometimes may come close to being suffocated by dark, black holes. I hope that even when the force of that dark energy is drawing us closer, it can only make our light dim to the point that we remember, once again, our brilliance. We can shine brightly into the energy of the darkness and transform it into light. We have the power within ourselves to shine more brightly than the darkness of a black hole.

We are like the stars surrounding our earthly bodies and planet. We are amongst each other without planning, without complete understanding for the reason at this time. We are astral beings within a stellar universe of energy that has, and always will be interconnected. Alone we shine brightly, but together we create a configuration of shapes as a constellation. It is special when we surround ourselves with other brilliant beings. We may be luminous alone during the day, as the one shining star illuminating our Earth giving warmth and creating life. We shine even more brightly within the darkness of the universal sky when combined with the light and energy of those around. We must choose careful those we surround ourselves with to reflect our shining light, though just like shining rays of the sun, our light and love will be transmitted to all who surround us. May we always be surrounded by and go in the direction of the light, for as you have shared once before, even in the darkness, you are bright.

My morning meditation today was a reminder of the light and the darkness which is all around. It is ironic when we need to learn something once again, it becomes clear all around us that this is our lesson. Pema Chondron reminds me of the Tonglen way - a meditation to breathe in the pain and acknowledge suffering of the world, acknowledge my own fears and sufferings, then when breathing out, open up and connect with the feelings of joy, well-being, satisfaction, tender heartedness, fresh, clean, wholesome goodness.

I find it ever so "on the path" that today while listening to the radio, it was as though all the songs needed to be heard by my ears: http://www.kexp.org/playlist/playlist.aspx
* the song that would be the KEXP song of the day - is by Sebastian Blanck << Don’t Let The Darkness Gather Me>>
*the Who "Mary Anne and the Shakey Hand"
*Spoon "I saw the light"
*Curtis Mayfield "Trippin out" (cont) "over you Babe"
*Noah and the Whale "5 years time" with lyrics I am on my way back to where I started
*Band of Horses "Everything all the Time" ending with lyrics there will be fun fun fun, and there was sun sun sun all over our bodies!
*and ending with a little Tegan and Sara "back in your head" "I just want back into your head"

With my every morning meditaion I take the Bodhisattva vow to become fearless enough to help others, acknowledging my own fear but aspiring to have my hearts wake up completly.

Every morning I meditate with the rising sun, and every evening I process the deja-vus and coincidences of my day before I can slip into the slumber of the dream world connection with the divine. It is here that I find the peace of the darkness and allow my self to truly be connected to the spirit within and all around.

Blessings of light and love